A Leap of Faith in Portugal: How a Yoga Retreat Transformed My Life

This spring I celebrated my 25th year around the sun. It was an evening surrounded by my soul family, soaking in an abundance of love around me. As we sat down around the table for dinner, admiring the gentle snow fall outside, we began eating a cozy pot of curry made by sister and I. During the birthday toast, one of my friends asked me about my favorite part of the last year. I couldn’t help but feel like I was overflowing with gratitude. 24 was so good to me. During my 24th year, I stretched and expanded myself in ways I always knew I was capable of, but never thought I’d have the courage to. I felt myself slowly hatch out of the cocoon I’ve been carefully wrapped in - beginning to bloom. My 24th year was the year I realized my lifelong dreams were actually within reach. It was the year I deepened my yoga practice, made friends that feel like family, traveled to places that felt right out of a fairytale, lived alone in my very own apartment, celebrated one year of alcohol free living, and most importantly, began showing up for myself in a way I hadn’t quite known before.

It was as if everything from the past 12 months played in my mind like a movie clip, the highlight reel, the challenges, the laughs, the moments of radical courage, to the tears shed. To this day, I don’t think there is just one favorite moment, because in reality it was a series of experiences that have continued leading me to exactly where I am today that I am immensely grateful for. So many of the experiences I had at 24 I learned a lot from. However, sometimes there are major catalyst moments throughout our lives that seem to reshape the path we are on, giving it a fresh perspective, a new meaning, lighting the little flame of fire within us just a little bit brighter. And that moment, for me was my first ever yoga retreat in Grandola, Portugal during September of 2023. This yoga retreat was hosted by Ryme (Recycle Your Mindset Experiences) founded by Hanna Attafi & Loes Hu.

What stands out about the retreat is simply how far out of my comfort zone it was. 24 was my year of experimenting, trying new things, meeting new people, putting myself out there time after time. I knew I wanted an adventure. I had no clue whether the retreat itself would be transformational, but I knew the fact that I would be traveling across the world by myself and meeting a new community of women would be. And taking that kind of risk is scary. Knowing you are willingly choosing a path that you know could change you, is scary. It’s vulnerable. It’s terrifying, actually. Because staying where we are is comfortable. It’s familiar, predictable, safe. The doubt consumed me, trying to convince me not to go. “This is irresponsible, financially risky, there’s also no way I can travel across the world completely by myself. What if something happens? What will happen when I am completely alone in a place I’ve never been before? What if this ends up being a huge waste of time and money?”  But what if this is one of the best investments in myself I could ever make?

This brings me to when the first seed was planted. I knew I wanted to embark on a yoga retreat one day. Emphasis on one day. What I didn’t know is how quickly & how effortlessly it would fall into place. This came into my orbit when I had a friend go on an yoga retreat earlier in 2023. My curiosity led the way to hear her story, and it inspired me so much I couldn’t help but feel like I wanted to give myself the same growth opportunity - to work on my nervous system, deepen my yoga practice, & solo travel internationally. All things on my bucket list.  

One look at their website later, I saw a women’s retreat in Portugal, and I knew that was the one. 

sunrise in grandola, portugal

I hope I’ve made it clear this trip was not all sunshine and rainbows. I also hope I’ve made it clear I realize I am privileged and grateful to even have the option of attending this retreat. But if I haven’t, then now I am making it clear. The anxious days leading up to my departure felt like no other than a constant spiral. Doubt consumed me, second thoughts whirled like a tornado in my brain. For a brief moment I even considered not going. But I knew I was going to get on a plane and surrender to the experience I was about to have. I knew if I didn’t take the leap, I’d regret it. The minute I stepped onto the airplane, the doubt began to wash away and excitement overcame me. I felt so proud of myself at that exact moment. For getting on that plane. For committing to myself. For following that quiet little whisper. 

I knew very little about the journey ahead. Pulling up to the gorgeous bohemian house in the countryside of Portugal, the natural beauty of the place was breathtaking. The views. Overlooking the valleys and hills, so much green. Pure, vibrant, green. Then there was the jade green cabinets that covered the kitchen - and that’s when my dream of a green kitchen was born. I thought to myself, this is the kitchen I want one day. The wooden dining tables eager to create community, nourishing meals, laughter, and conversation. Then, the immediate ease and comfort I felt with the women was hopeful. But also, extremely uncomfortable. As the retreat kicked off, the daily practices & workshops, I don’t know what I expected. I suppose sometimes the biggest transformations happen throughout a collection of small moments. That the tiniest ripples can create a wave. I think I was hoping for a big dramatic revelation about my life or an “a-ha!” moment to happen. And it never came. In these moments over the first days, I forgot about all of the healing & self-work I had done that had all led up to this trip being possible. My intuition became clouded. Were my doubts right all along? Was I really not supposed to be here? Was this a waste? Weirdly enough, the doubt screamed the loudest during the midst of the retreat. I was told I would be here having this life changing, eye - opening experience, but it wasn’t happening. Day after day, it felt like nothing was shifting and I was just “doing nothing” in a beautiful place. (Also, can’t be too upset about that.) But I craved a major transformation so much it consumed me. So much I wanted to force it. I wanted to challenge and push myself - even if I didn’t need it. I grew impatient, frustrated, losing touch with my why.

Throughout this retreat, ironically enough, surrender & trust was a very big theme we worked with. We had quite a few workshops that focused on letting go, and rewiring our nervous systems led by Loes. For example, one practice we had was to simply think about a situation that made us upset, get angry, and feel our rage from within, zoom all the way in to the exact moment of anger, then zoom out slowly, step by step from the situation triggering the reaction. To ask ourselves in these tender moments, “what is true?” Seeing the situation from a fresh lens of what we can control, and learning to let go of the rest. It sounds so easy, letting go of control. The fear of feeling out of control is something I have struggled with for most of my life. I’ve attempted to control every situation I am in, mirroring back to people what I believe they want to see from me, in hopes to control how they perceive me, rather than following my gut or showing up as myself. Or controlling what I eat or when I exercise and never allowing my body to lead the way. But how can you trust your body to lead the way when you don’t always feel so connected to it? And how can you trust your body when your mind is constantly running away from it?

Each workshop Hanna & Loes led, I became more aware of my reactions to situations. I observed feelings of anger, anxiety, and how quickly I jumped to pleasing people out of discomfort, to protect myself rather than tuning in to how I can show up authentically. I observed how I could have a conversation with someone, then immediately after not remember a single thing I said to them because I blacked out. I observed that I would speak for run-on sentences without pausing to take a single breath and gasping for air when done talking. Then, observing how much I apologize for speaking too much or for taking up a sliver of space. The Ryme retreat leaders reminded us many times a day that it is okay to take up space, to use our voice, to not diminish ourselves. That deeply resonated with me and probably always will. The permission slip that we can take up space, be loud, bold, & do it unapologetically, was exactly what I needed to hear. That we can say no, disagree, and be honest with ourselves and the people around us. We’ve been conditioned to apologize for every little thing to protect the emotions and reactions of others. But it’s not our responsibility to protect the reactions of others - it is our responsibility to be true to ourselves. We deserve to be true to ourselves, to find our inner guidance, our inner voice, and stick to it. These little reminders spread so much awareness around what we are actually apologizing for. Is it something that we need to own up to and take responsibility for? What are we truthfully apologizing for? Or are we simply apologizing automatically, because we can - out of habit? To appease to the other person? Maybe one of the most important, is that Ryme showed me how to slow down. Slow down my speaking, my breathing, and find new ways to communicate while being aware of our bodies and our breath. I’ll never be 100% present during 100% of the conversations I have, but knowing at any moment I can choose awareness and practice it the best I can is enough. At that moment, I did not realize how much this little ripple of awareness would turn into a wave of change throughout my life. I did not realize how much of a foundation was being set up during this retreat for what was to come. I observed how much of my life was spent inside my head, reacting to situations rather than responding.

view from a hilltop of the retreat villa

Through this journey, I’ve learned a whole lot about letting go. I learned a lot about myself. That I have a tendency to continuously strive and don’t take quite enough time to celebrate where I am at and appreciate the present moment. I forget that where I am now is where I dreamed of being only a few years ago. Maybe I was a smidge out of balance in terms of being vs doing.

Towards the end of the retreat, I had a job scare back home. I thought I would lose my job in another round tech layoffs. At the moment it was scary, uncertain, very anxiety inducing. Reality hit me like a brick. I wasn’t going to be at this retreat forever, focusing on myself & my growth, but eventually would have to return back to my life at home. It was a huge test to try on the new skills I’d been learning - can I zoom out of this situation? Can I ask myself, what is true? Can I decide to step away from the drama, the spirals, when it is something I can’t control, no matter what I do? Will I still be able to feel safe or secure, even if I don’t have a 9-5 job? In those moments, I realized how much energy I waste spiraling in situations I can’t control. Realizing how it weighs me down, brings my vibration down. Realizing how much of my security, safety & worth lies in the fate of a corporate job. Then, accepting that the worst case scenario isn’t my ideal choice, but at the end of the day: I’d still be alive, I have family, friends, and a community I can lean on. I have a place to live. I have food in the fridge and a car I can drive. It really isn’t so bad after all. So what, I lose my job. There’s other jobs out there. There are other opportunities - maybe this will open a door I don’t even know exists yet. Trusting everything happens for a reason - and for the first time in my entire life, I began to surrender, I let go, and I let the universe lead the way.

At the end of the day, I didn’t lose my job. However, that moment might have been my biggest teacher throughout the retreat - to practice in real time all of these skills. Allowing myself to truly feel what it means to zoom out, to release control. How uncomfortable it was - yet how peaceful. Realizing for the first time, that I can consciously choose what energy I will let into my internal system, and can consciously choose what energy I will put out into the world. How the ripple effect of the split second I released control in Portugal has continuously played a huge role in my life. Throughout that day I had to choose to surrender and trust over and over again. This is an ongoing practice, not a one and done situation.

After this job scare, I let myself pause, and fill up with immense gratitude for being in Portugal at that time. I was so grateful that I was somewhere where I could process these emotions safely and work with my nervous system with amazing support from Hanna, Loes, and the 7 other women there. I was grateful that they challenged me to zoom out, to not engage in the drama, and choose to let go of it all. Those are moments I will never forget. And using these new skills is something I never would have done had I been in Minnesota at that time. I guarantee you, I would have been spiraling that entire day. I felt so grateful to experience something so unique with so many inspirational women beside me. To begin to rewire patterns in my body. Knowing these patterns & pathways, they can change. We may be programmed a certain way through our ancestors, families, society & early childhood experiences, but we have the power to re-program. We can reframe our reactions, our patterns, with a little bit of awareness & work. They will never be perfect, but knowing we can try is already a good start. Focusing on the present moment has transformed me and is a lesson I will go back to over and over again throughout the remainder of my life.

I’m going to revisit a phrase from earlier: slowing down. Another first for me, was allowing full permission to slow down. That’s one of the benefits of a Ryme retreat - the opportunity to slow down is there if you’re up for it. Back home, with all the distractions of day to day life, it can feel impossible if you aren’t intentional about it. So, with some help, I chose to slow down and quiet my mind. Each morning, as much as I love sleeping in, I decided to wake up and watch the sunrise - the sky would gently show off it’s deep reds, oranges and yellows, saying good morning. I went on walks in the trails, observing the trees, the branches, the leaves around me. I climbed hills for fun, to soak in the view of the valley around me. I journaled, a lot. Drank tea. Felt my body warm up with the taste of hot chamomile tea against my tongue. Stared at the glimmering stars in the peak of the night, watching a few soar across the sky with the breeze blowing my hair. Listened to various animals howl and cry as the sky became dark. Soaked in the sunlight, felt the cooling breeze in the air brush against my skin. Listened to the rain thudding against the roof, to then see a bright rainbow expand its colors across the sky. Feeling the cold water splash against my skin as I jumped in the pool. Slowing down conversations with the other women. Allowing myself to feel present. Allowing beautiful connections to blossom. Slowing down my body in our daily yoga practices with Hanna. Leaning into each sensation of every pose. Really learning how to flow with my breath, and let my inhales & exhales guide me on and off my mat, allow my breath to take up space. Letting it be loud, powerful, filling up my entire belly. Listening to my body instead of powering through with an ego mindset that wants to show off & prove I can do it all and then some. I felt myself let go a little bit more each day. Eventually, my shoulders found their way out of my ears and slid down my spine. My eyes softened. I showed up to my mat every day with no plan and trusted that I would follow exactly what my body needed. In whatever clothes felt comfortable rather than what looked cute. Ditching the onesie workout set because even though it's trendy, honestly, it was so uncomfortable to practice in. Skipping the makeup routine that is mostly in place to cover up my acne, and letting my natural self shine. Slowly, letting go of expectations and following whatever felt authentic. Bit by bit, day by day, I let it all go. Allowing space for the truest version of me to return.

After a few days of so much doubt, it was as if something clicked. We might have been in a meditation but I felt the words “let it be”. I felt the walls around my heart release a little. Or maybe it was continuously listening to the song “Let it All Go” by Birdy and “I Release” by Beautiful Chords and finally let the lyrics land. Maybe it was the container of safety curated so carefully and intentionally by Hanna & Loes. Or maybe it was a reconnection to my body, to my higher power, knowing that I would get exactly what I needed from this experience. That I am here for a reason. That it’s okay if I didn’t know the reason yet. That I don’t have to force it - I don’t have to control it. I don’t have to fear it. And beginning to trust that ripple might have created one of the biggest waves of all. Trust & surrendering since that very moment has transformed my life in just a few short months. Not to say it was all easy, a lot of my life since coming back home has been navigating huge transitions, that required following my intuition, having difficult conversations & trusting that I would show up for myself, over and over again. But leaning onto that trust, onto something greater than us, gives me peace. I think that is really the only way I can describe the way I felt coming home after a week in Grandola. Peace. Love. Acceptance. Stillness. Bliss. Trust. Hope.

This retreat was the turning point for me in the last year. A turning point in the sense that I followed my intuition and followed through no matter how big the fear was. I traveled solo for the first time, I learned how to work with my nervous system, my breath, and how to slow down, and above all - trust. I felt for the first time that there may be a different path for me out there, one I haven’t been able to quite see yet. Not to mention gaining a wonderful community of women, too. I guess all of this goes to say, that a little ripple of curiosity, a ripple of feeling inspiration from an Instagram post about a yoga retreat, can spark a wave of transformation, even if you lose sight of the first ripple along the way.

In that moment at my 25th birthday celebration, I knew exactly what I wanted to share.

I have infinite gratitude for myself for taking the risk, for Hanna & Loes - and the container of beautiful space they held for us all - so intentionally and carefully, and for all the wonderful souls I met along the way. Thank you, endlessly, with my entire heart.

We’ll chat soon,

Vanessa